The Crapzzz
Friday, September 24, 2004
Perhaps nothing can ever last for a lifetime, perhaps nothing can ever last for forever... Life is short... Treasure it... Regrets... Fragments of memories that are pierced deep within... A scar would always be there... But someone please cover it... Grief... Losing hope within oneself, choosing to believe in something which can never be true... That's the greatest insult to yourself... By losing hope, by giving your life... Giving your dreams up... But yet people in this world still do that... People like me... Who chose to believe in myself negatively, believing my assumption... Prove them wrong...
Sigh, think i flunked my chinese oral too... Was so so nervous that I forgotten what I was supposed to say?!? Haha, wanted to adjust the reading passage closer to me but my hands would not move... Was trying to read while stretching my neck... And for the discussion topic, I got the last! (The one with least notes!!) Aww... Last year I got 1?! Doesn't really seem like any oral exam though... It's all plan... Gotta go for this walk early in the morning tomorrow... For CIP... Crapz.... My saturday morning!!! My "Beauty" sleep!!! Gotta go back to studying le... There's just too much to study for just geog alone... What about the rest?
Change the thought that's making me lose hope
Treasure life...
IcyRoy took a breath on 9/24/2004 05:54:00 PM
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Just watched Shrek2 on DVD... Borrowed from my classmate. The movie rocksss... The DVD too... Basically Shrek 2 is a result of brillant imagination and lots of twisting... Fairy godmother= Villian, Prince Charming= Bad Guy, What else is there? Puss in boots adapted from Zorro, Giant gingerbread man, Pinochio(Spelt lyk that?) wearing G-string... Haha, the show is certainly funny...
Theme: Love (Again)... Was looking forward to hearing accidentally in love lots of time in the movie but it only came out once. Quote from Shrek "I really love her but I got to let go... (Shrek can't provide Fionna happiness)" The quote sort of leave a great impact on me... Sigh...
Tests tomorrow... So much to study... What's the world coming into?
I should do just that... No matter what...
IcyRoy took a breath on 9/22/2004 05:06:00 PM
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
I didn't get to be a PSL... And I'm never gonna be one anymore in my remaining two years time in SJI... Aww... My dream... I just can't believe it, Judo teacher-in-charge actually didn't pick anyone! Sigh... And I totally believe my form tutor would never choose me... Why should I pay attention to such a teacher's lesson? What's life?
Nothing much really happened this few days... Just study study study... Yeah, am sort of becoming a nerd. Think my attitude got to change in order to earn respect from other... Hopefully I can, though I know i would take time... Lots of time...
I just can't be selfish... I can't bear to... I'm sorry... Life...
IcyRoy took a breath on 9/21/2004 03:57:00 PM
Monday, September 20, 2004
Ahhh... I think I flunk my english oral but i guess it's alright? Never really go and study for it so I wasn't really expecting for high marks. Teacher prompted me several times and sometime, I could not answer his questions!!! Yikes... Nvm, can just sit at home and pray... Or maybe revise more!!!
Blah... Just realised about the LEAPS thing today though i had already heard of it last year. Argh, irritating knowing how much we gotta do in order to accomplish an A1 for CCA grade.
Anyway...
L = Leadership
E = Enrichment
A = Achievement
P = Participation
S = Service
If I'm not wrong, I should have more than 10 CCA point le... 15 more to go... I guess LEAP is alright except for S. I just can't commit myself for the community (Like others can). Geez, I feel bad for slacking so much during flag day... But who cares... (How come I'm so mean?) Guess that I should just try to complete 100 hours of it... It's alright if I can't. It's just 5 points...
Me shy shy le...
~Pray~ Can't really get into the mood of studying yet!!! Yikes...
IcyRoy took a breath on 9/20/2004 04:50:00 PM
Friday, September 17, 2004
Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?
Don't leave me hangin'
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away...
Avril's My Happy Ending has such an impact on me when I first heard it. It's so niceeee... Feel like buying the album cause of this song. Went for sports leader "workshop" today and it's supposed to be a workshop that will end at 6 today. Because of exams, so they cancelled it... And we were given a talk instead. Knowing how much responsibility is needed, I felt so stressed. In future, I would be getting a chance in organising major sports event in school like interclass games or maybe even sports day. The thought after that is terrifying... Nvm, it would only start next year. On another note, I wasn't happy. I wanted to be a peer support leader (PSL) so much!!! Yet I didn't get in! What crap it was about CCA teacher choosing, I suppose it was our hopeless form teacher who chose instead. (My behavior during her lesson is horrible) Yeah, how would I know? It seems like both the rep and me didn't get to be one and mostly, we were supposed to be?! Derrick was nominated too but?! Damn it...
Got English and Chinese oral exam next week, haven't prepare yet... Got maths and chinese test... Haven't prepare yet. Got lots of homework this week... Haven't started yet... Damn damn damn... CIP tmr for SPCA tmr, how many people will donate?? Sigh... Give me a new life...
Life... Perhaps I should, It's best for you...
IcyRoy took a breath on 9/17/2004 05:22:00 PM
Thursday, September 16, 2004
My life... My road... I came upon this detour and I got to make a choice...
I must be the most pathetic guy on Earth! I can't believe I can even fall down while walking... And gotten embarrassed in front of SJI and SCGS... Sigh, what luck I got. Now there's this big big wound on my elbow... The blood still ozing... Plus I am having stomach upsets these few days. What's wrong...
Got to attend this sports leaders workshop tomorrow. Don't really feel like attending... My precious time! Aww... Never expected my partner to get in as well so feel kind of glad for him too. I guess it's probably based on his attendance.
Can't really find anything to say... Nothing much...
~wondering~ What do you think I should do?
Suay... Suay... Suay... (Singapore Idol) Oh god, what's wrong...
IcyRoy took a breath on 9/16/2004 04:38:00 PM
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
Sigh... I totally hate this... My life is ruined! My body is failing... My knees are injured... So badly that after running two laps, I can't even walk well... What's wrong! I feel my heart contracting at times, and it's just torturous... The blisters on my palm never seems to heal... In fact, there's this big piece of skin hanging onto my palm now and there is still blood... What's wrong... Why?
Perhaps it is people minds to always dream about the impossible, for people to imagine stuff far byond possibility... Yet, humans are just like that... Creating lies... Satisfying themselves with the false... With the unseen... Enjoying themselves talking about something which isn't real... I beg you ben, STOP all your retarded lies... STOP all your craps... STOP influencing my classmates! Get out of my life man... I hate you!
Perhaps something are left being untold, unsolved... Just like dreams that can't be fulfilled, dreams that are broken... Like fragments of memories made of glass... Piecing deeply into your skull... Into your mind... [I'm sadist!]
~In agony~ Please... Someone ease me of this...
Frustrated with life... Frustrated with me...
IcyRoy took a breath on 9/15/2004 03:12:00 PM
Monday, September 13, 2004
Yikes... This is so xie!!! Can't believe someone actually died in one of the lift in my flat yesterday due to heart attack. The person was already dead when someone found him. Everyone in my flat is like treating that specific lift as the haunted lift and... I just took it back home! Eek... I got no choice since there was this maid outside who was staring at me, so i took that up. On the way, i was chanting prayers... Haha... But i'm still safe and sound, typing my blog entry.
Strangely, after watching Heavenly sword Dragon sabre last night, I came to realise something... About love. (From Eileen's nick) "Happiness is not a destination, it is a journey", it applies to Love as well. Love isn't just the beginning, it isn't just the ending... It's a long journey about understanding, accepting... Love isn't just making promises, you fulfilled them... You mean it...
Love isn't just about caring, the care comes within your heart... Love require the time, the heart from two... Life is long yet filled with ups and downs, filled with unexpected twists... Life is just unpredictable. So is love... No one can predict how a relationship turns out... Love isn't just a feeling, it isn't just something... Love is precious, it's life...
Yikes... I must have been posessed! (Spelt lyk dat?) Why am I talking about love? Blah...
Go away school... I want my sleep... I want my dreams... ZZZ
IcyRoy took a breath on 9/13/2004 03:21:00 PM
Sunday, September 12, 2004
~waves to yellow belt~ It's all over... I'm no longer a yellow belt! =D From today onwards, I will be an orange belt. (Orange's not a nice colour) Haha, everything turn out quite alright and more relax than expected... And I can't believe i got so nervous for nothing. Am kind of lucky to be doing my throws with fellow Josephian cause other school are soooo heartless!!! 3 of my friends nearly got disqualified! Got to team up with Yong Jun (60+kg) and yar... The 3 nagewaza are quite easy. Lalila, got my major throw- Seonage, and two other throws- Kosoto Gari and Koshi Guruma. It went smoothly... Next, a few Josephian(Including me) sitted outside the dojo and wait for the "losers" =) for our Shiai cause the person in charge doesn't want Josephian to fight against each other. Haha... Fought with this sec1 from Hougang Secondary. Am kind of disastified with my major... I actually took 3 tries! Waaa... Feel kind of sad for that guy, his dream clashed... He wanted to get green belt by the end of the year one... Argh, am kind of jealous! RGS, ZHS, BPS all get triple grading a year... And SJI only one!!! ~sob~
~In agony~ I dunno why...
Orangeeeee.... Watch out Desmond! ( How come none of my classmates online? Studying?!)
IcyRoy took a breath on 9/12/2004 09:30:00 AM
Saturday, September 11, 2004
In another hour time, I would be facing my most anticipated grading ever. Hehe, basically cause there is Shi ai but I am kind of nervous too. I don't want to screw up, I don't be remain as yellow belt... Ahh, though there are much more benfits remaining a yellow belt, I sort of aim to get brown belt... Guess it might not be possible... Wish me luck!
Life isn't alone... There are friends around, family members and so many people to rely on in times of need, yet we know they might be gone one day. Why spend your life now? Keeping all your anger, keeping all your sorrow within you? Don't think that way...
The world isn't empty. I will be there, i promise.
>Stress< The world is gradually changing... Everyday... Every moment...
IcyRoy took a breath on 9/11/2004 09:49:00 AM
Friday, September 10, 2004
Speaking about dreams, I had been dreaming alot these few days. All related to people whom I know. Strangly, I must be obsessed with Judo, that I actually dreamt of it last night.
The setting: Scenes from SJI and Zhenghua Primary
The event: Judo dunno what competition (Only two people in each school selected to play)
People involved: Me( One of the 2), BP (My current classmate in judo), Huei Bao (Pri friends), Jun Hao (Pri Bball frens), The rest forgotten...
Haha... It's all so wierd... I was informed about the competition last minute and after assembly, I got to rush to don't know what Wan Chuan Stadium blah... Yep, and i was taking my time packing my ghi that all my friends left me. ~sob~ And the worst thing, I forgotten what bus to take... So after packing, I immediately rush to the bus stop with abit of hope. ~woke up~
The whole dream rewinded itself, I was at the gate of Zhenghua where I saw my friends! (Yay!) Haha... (...) I reached the stadium, was about to walk in... Then... I woke up! Argh!!! Qi si ren le... The dream felt so real that I nearly thought I got a competition today. I can't bring myself to face you, I still feel hurt...
Still rushing through my maths... Yawnz... I still love you
IcyRoy took a breath on 9/10/2004 10:19:00 AM
Thursday, September 09, 2004
One life, one world, one love, one everything... Life is short yet long... Love is strong yet short. Every priceless thing is this world can't last... No matter how long life may seem to be, be it our end of life is 50+ years away from us, look back into the past... Search your soul... Is there any memorable things that occured in your life? Is there any happy things that ring bits of excitement, thrills, laughter inside you? 14 years had passed... Slowly yet fast... There's only one "first"... No matter what happened after that, it's no longer the first... It would be the second. Yet, so many first had flew past my vision... We never treasure what we have... We take everything for granted... There is only one life... No matter what, even if you believe in heaven and hell... There's only one... So.... Live your life the fullest! Smilez... What's the use of being dragged along with time with a sulken face? With neutral feelings... So... There's no use being yourself, just live life well....
Lalila... Am going mad... [From studying (There's so much!)]
IcyRoy took a breath on 9/09/2004 09:30:00 AM
Monday, September 06, 2004
I would rather choose to believe in a shooting star... That is rare and unique... Compared to the stars above who are always there, giving you warmth... Providing bits of light in the darkness... Compared to the moon who is always changing... Nothing is comparable to a shooting star. Perhaps in someone's life, he might not have seen his own shooting star yet... That's the sad part. When it appears from nowhere, catch it... If not, it would be gone... There might never be a next chance, it may be gone forever, gone for good... A shooting star is unique. It brighten up the darkness of the night sky for an instance... It casts hope. That is what I believe on now... I once saw a shooting star and I wished for something which i regretted now. I want to make another wish. I don't know what i really want now. I'm still lost... In this pitch black darkness. Lead me through this path... Lead me the right way...
Believing upon a shooting star... I believe in myself, something, someone...
IcyRoy took a breath on 9/06/2004 05:23:00 PM
Sunday, September 05, 2004
People are telling me that it isn't my fault... So many people... Yet, I just couldn't bring myself to believe that. Blame me for being stupid or whatsoever, it was partially my fault. Perhaps people feel that I'm sad... Perhaps people think I'm wallowing in self pity, I could not forget that fact that I asked for it... I so much blame my character for being so emotional. Sigh, it was not entirely my fault. Felt so much like giving up yesterday cause of some advices I get, I couldn't bring myself to... I persisted on...
Had a very slack training yesterday, I can say. Played don't know how many bouts of randori yesterday... Getting thrown, throwing others... It's the same old routine. Grading is next Saturday... Am kind of anxious over it because there's shi-ai, not like I never played shi-ai before, but am kinda eager to try out my new style of playing. Hopefully it would work. Spend half an hour after training talking to my ex-captain (sec4) and the current captain. Sigh... Life...
Am going for a bbq later, am gonna consumed lots of oil later. Am gonna play tennis later and most importantly, am gonna swim...
Lost... Confused... Should I, or should I not?
IcyRoy took a breath on 9/05/2004 09:41:00 AM
Friday, September 03, 2004
Probably I straighten my thoughts, that it would be hard for us to be friends if we have feelings for each other. I should give you time... For the feelings to fade... I guess only through that, you would really then be happy. Perhaps that's the best for you... I don't know how long you'll take but I could not help thinking about about you, everyday. I tied the necklace to my wallet and bring it along everywhere I go. I checked my wallet every now and then, making sure it's safely with me. Btw, aaa... I need my chinese textbook back. Perhaps it isn't such a good time to ask for it back so pass it to me later... That's all... I would stop smsing you le, k? Can you please give me an answer? That if we can be friends again in future? Please... Think about it... You don't have to sms me about it, just reply me in the tagboard. I'm sorry...
I will always be there... For you... I promise...
IcyRoy took a breath on 9/03/2004 01:25:00 PM
Thursday, September 02, 2004
Perhaps you are wondering who is "Evone". "Evone" is none other than a oridinary girl with unique character. A girl with a brillant smile, a girl who leave herself to get hurt all the while. Unreasonable she can be at times, I don't care. She's my dream girl... I love her, truly madly deeply... I seek for "Evone's" forgiveness...
The person whom I hate most now... He's none other than "Atoto Kia Tucky" or ATY for short. He's a hopeless fellow, who lives pathetically in this big world. He's retarded, disappointing, violent, mean, no personality, unsure, quiet, childish and insensitive. He regrets living in this world. The remorse, the sorrow he had... He shared it to no one. Probably this contributed to his change of character. Hopefully he can change for I freaking HATE his Fucking attitude now... Sigh...
Perhaps you can forget that a "Roy" actually existed in your heart before, let it be friends or maybe your love. I can't ever forget your presence... Too many things that kept making me think of you. Perhaps I choose to remind myself about you, that i stared upon the stars and the moon so often nowadays. That I always stared at Bukit Timah on my way home... Haha, I remembered what you told me before : "Are you a computer or what, Roy? Can you just delete everything that happened? Fine... Go on... I hate you, Roy..." What you say also reminds me about you... I can't erase the beauty presence of you...
Was in such a bad mood today, bad enough for me to shout at my Junior... The reason for so, they are playing with the gymnastics equipment. Perhaps they hate me now... Maybe the Sec2 too, that I poke my nose into such stuff while trying to prove I'm a gooood Rep. HAHA... led my first ever warm-up today. Was so nervous about everything. Half felt my voice giving way, seeing all those teasing smiles, those funny looks and the coach's face. Sigh, didn't felt any good about. Before training, I sat beside my partner. He's the only person I can trust now. Perhaps he's not my best friend, perhaps he's just a friend i know only, but i can trust him... Unlike my best friend who i known for 7years whom i told a secret to him cause i felt that i could trust him. Guess what he did, he told a pri4 school girl all about it... Yeah, best friend indeed. My partner was confused and he just told me that she listens to her friends alot. Yar, i guess so. He was stunned by the way we sms each other. Before that, I had art lesson. My art teacher told me perhaps i should take up art for O'level next year. She feels that I would be able to score a A. Dunno if i want to join cause it isn't really a useful subject. Sigh... That's my life. Short and boring...
Helplessly longing that i can go back in time...
IcyRoy took a breath on 9/02/2004 07:48:00 PM
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
Hopefully you'll read this...
Through out everyone lifetime, one would have make countless numbers of mistakes... Mistakes leading to deep regrets. I made the greatest mistake of my life, letting my easily influenced yet strong feeling of sadness and anger blended together to take over my heart. A mistake leading to serious consequences, a mistake that broke not only my heart but yours. Tears blurred my vision, anger and sadness took over me... I was staring out of the window, at the ever beauty of the silver moonlight when i received your SMS. Sadness started to gather as I know though i tried to change, there's still something that you can complain about me. I hated myself... I wanted to know what is wrong with me, so that I can change. The complain remains a mystery forever. When you told me about lev, hatred formed... I don't understand everything- Why you tried so hard to make Bryan and Lev a pair? So hard that it gives you stress, affected your feelings, devoured your time... And yet the repay you get, is just a hurtful advice... I don't know what state i was in... I just wanted to stop this topic. U went on... In my uncontrollable state, I gave in... I was furious with Lev, I want to forget everything. I DESIRE that i can go back in time. I would reply: "I would not want to ditch you... For I need you because I love u... I would continue to do my best, trying bits to make you happy." I want you to know that I'm really sorry... I'm angry over myself, for not treasuring you... I wanted you to hear the slapping sound i gave myself. I wanted to express my regrets. I got no chance... I know you're angry... Please don't feel angry anymore. I still have feelings for you and I didn't meant to give up... Think about Ronald Susilo and Li Jia Wei. Both are different, in their language, in their culture, in their life... Yet they love each other truly despite the differences they had. We maybe different but we can learn to accept each other. Perhaps what Lev said make more sense, for she's your best friend afterall. If you feel what Lev said make more sense, carry on with it... I don't know if you want to accept me as a friend after all this... Sugar, Darling and the many things I used to describe you, don't feel angry... I never meant to hurt you... I'm sorry... Dui bu qi...
I need you because I love you... Cheer up...
IcyRoy took a breath on 9/01/2004 09:32:00 AM