The Crapzzz
Earworm: Gui Ji.
Been ringing throughout my head the whole day, with me humming along, with me listening to it only the whole long journey home. Perhaps it is the lyrics which made that song such a hearfelt one to me, perhaps it was the song which i always coincidentally hear when -that- happens.
Been sorta thinking through things recently and I guess Im still that confused, that exhausted. I probably had my confidence in those things crushed, am so afraid to stand up and to try again. I don't want ugly things to repeat itself. Once in a while, I will reach the point whereby I just dun want to give a damn about it, but then, things still fall back into place.
I dunno. I dun dare. =(
我會發著呆 然後忘記妳 接著緊緊閉上眼 想著那一天 會有人代替 讓我不再想念妳
IcyRoy took a breath on 3/27/2007 08:48:00 PM
come on.
Was like talking to eugene on msn ytd and it just hit me that i didnt really try everything i could to get the external cca thing approved. And it just kinda makes me feel guilty. Perhaps i was too bothered about other things in life during the march holidays that it made me all weak and to just submit to fate. I was exhausted back then. All the damned systems and rules, fucking up life. I WANT TO JOIN BACK BUT WHY THINGS AINT EASY FOR ME. [i need no comments on this for the time being cause its prolly gonna make me think more abt it] Just let life decide.
Come to think of it, I am really just wandering aimlessly on my life's path now, following the shortest route possible. I got no plans ahead. I needed time to sort out bits and pieces but there wasnt sufficient.
I hate to be last. I just cant get commited to it, the desire to self-improve all that.
Went out today to watch bean's holidays with 23/07. Quite a nice show whereby u basically laugh ur ass off throughout the whole thing. Laughing is good yea? After that, gotta leave early to find kc, jh and xd to prepare for yl's birthday surprise. Hid in the staircase area there while we got alicia to "trick" yl into going there. Haha, i dunno how. =X I guess we all were too busy so we only got him a GREEN TEA cake and a card "To our beloved wife." XD
Stop indulging in self sympathy and move on. Stop complaining and give it all out. Stop depending on others roy.
Shuldn't rush things eh?
IcyRoy took a breath on 3/25/2007 01:02:00 AM
23/07 COOL.
Okay, cant say that i know everyone in class or wad liao but then the fact that 7 pple went to AMK hub for lunch after just 1 day of knowing each other is COOL. Yea, compared to the usual four. >.< Haha, and pple do talk CRAP. Yea, as in u know, the usual sji-cj crap! Great fun though Im like exhausted now after 1 hour long back home in a packed train.
What we used to do. Time to move on.
Stop indulging myself in my own dreams.
IcyRoy took a breath on 3/20/2007 08:12:00 PM
Phwoar, my neck aches from carrying that weight all day long. That must have been the heaviest collar I ever encountered. Not to mention that it is freaking thick and kinda cause itchiness. Gotta admit, seeing the whole of AJ wearing their uniform is pretty gloomy. The sight is a sea of dull grey, which coincide with the grey dark clouds today. Kinda weird considering that I had been used to seeing a sea of white throughout my education life.
Sat with 23/07 for attendance and I guess the starting part would be quite sian considering that there are like 2 groups of pple in my class which were previously from the same class. But then, they look kinda friendly unlike francis's class which had that freaking EGO DUDE in it. Guess its time to UNLEASH my socialising skills once again, AHA, which I hardly had. Prolly all the self confidence had been crashed by the track gals who daoed me twice. =.= Yea, not once but TWICE. Diff group of pple but then Im somehow having this kinda phobia liao.
Got so much sleep to catch up.
IcyRoy took a breath on 3/19/2007 11:01:00 PM
Today is supposingly my last training. Will come back if got time though.
Got to start commiting to track now before I end up with some shitty testimonial by the end of next year. And from what I had hear from others, once the real semester begins, it is prolly gonna be one hella shit, so i guess all the more I wun have time to have too many commitments. Time to get my ass down to catching up lectures, tutorials and hardcore running. Cant really say that I have a passion for running but what yj said is true.
"It takes time to build up passion."
Seriously, I am going to miss judo. But then, hardly any point just training on sat which is like such an inconsistent training schedule and that i wun get recognised at all. Bleah, nvm.
Judo outing had always been a blast.
One week holiday is like pretty short, didnt have time to do what i really want. Spent time catching up with judokas especially yj but still, there are so many pple who I want to catch up with but cudnt. Pple like wang, josh, XD and you. Been trying to hang out with my AJ classmates as well but i guess meeting out is kinda tough yea.
I feel weird with AJ uniform on me.
IcyRoy took a breath on 3/17/2007 11:03:00 PM
Well, what is supposed to be a 16/07 outing to sentosa ended up in a CJ judokas + 3SJI judokas outing to town.
Seriously, its damn tough to organise outing when everyone is like either busy with their cca or wad. But luckily i had some kinda backup program so that i wudnt spend another day just rotting at home.
Well, been quite some time since I last went out with the CJ judokas, like not on training days or what. And it was kinda cool, getting to know each other and all that. Today was exceptionally special because we had out juniors along, although there were only 3. But it was cool, seeing them all grown up, preparing for the big Os. Its like last time we used to gather around our seniors and just like talk for hours and finally its our time to be the seniors. Coolio stuff. Eating together, talking guys stuff. XD Had my first sakae sushi buffet and I cant say it was really that fantastic because after a while, you realised that you are basically stuffing yourself with sushi so it gets kinda sian.
I dont know if Im assuming things or wad.
I want to go sentosa. I want to just lay on the sand for the whole day and just soak in the sun. I want to go there and just enjoy and not think about anything at all.
IcyRoy took a breath on 3/17/2007 12:03:00 AM
I guess I made up my mind. Don't question me about it, don't ask me why. So many factors to consider, so many thoughts colliding within my head. No choice but to give it up, not completely but yea. I wouldn't if I had a choice, a completely one way choice, a one which wouldn't be a hassle, a decision which would respect me, without all the damn retarded restrictions.
I couldn't get the support I need - parents never even really support my idea of it at all.
Maybe its just the time to hang up my gi.
I could never get the attention I so desire from YOU.
Don't let it fade. Please.
IcyRoy took a breath on 3/13/2007 06:38:00 PM
Orientation 2 is over.
Bye to the old lame cheers and hooray to the march hols.
O2 was not bad. Gotta admit that the OGF did quite a good job although not as good as the OGL. But cheers, they are just the same age as us so yar. Aderse, funny name eh, consisted mainly of 16/07 and 3 other gals because the other people in the OG are gonna appeal out. Kinda retarded right, to like welcome the 2nd intake people with a subject talk marathon. Prolly bored their asses off. Did the same few dances again [which is cool] and watched click [for the 2nd time]. KATE BECKINSALE! XD Will you still love me in the morning
forever and ever, babe
16/07 outing to sentosa on wed. Hopefully everyone can make it.
But before that, its hell for me. Judo Training Camp. I WILL, AM GONNA SURVIVE IT.
Giving up isnt an alternative. ROYSTON ROYSTON ALL THE WAY. SHA!
IcyRoy took a breath on 3/09/2007 10:41:00 PM
Bleah, wtf...
External CCA application got rejected. And that is seriously BULLSHIT, because all my seniors did that and even Xun Zhou now is doing it and I see no freaking reason for CJ to reject me just because SJI decided to move over and train at CJ. I AM TRAINING UNDER SJI. I mean its not my problem that SJI moved, its my secondary school for goddamn sake, and I trained freaking 4 years on that dojo where I even spill a whole palmful of blood on. In the first place, the dojo at CJ isnt even damn fantastic or wad, in fact the one in SJI wud be much better with proper maintainance. SO WHY?
The path ahead is so misty, so blurred. I know not what I want, I know not what is going to happen. Fucked up life.
I meant nothing.
IcyRoy took a breath on 3/06/2007 10:33:00 PM
Last day for some of the peeps in AJ and well, most of the pple I know are staying but to those who arent, its still kinda sad to part. I met lotsa new nice people there, people who earned my respect and compliments and come to think about it, after they leave, its prolly quite hard to ever see them around again unless i take the trouble to organise outings or wad. Cam-whored today, in the library, in our home class and at the mrt station. Ponned lectures, watched spiderman in the library and played charades which was a hilarious one, making pple like the scholars and those quiet pple open up. Coolio stuff. Kinda sad to leave track. Its like Im finally getting to know everyone there and... Hmm, yar, but there are time to part. =/
IcyRoy took a breath on 3/05/2007 10:18:00 PM
I will be okay. I know i wouldn't. My heart bleeds. The painful feeling's haunting me again, stabbing, suffocating me. Selfish things i once said, i wun repeat. i tot it was meant to be, i knew not what went wrong. I tried again, but i failed. In reality, the same good thing never happen twice.
I will be.
IcyRoy took a breath on 3/04/2007 10:43:00 AM
Finally, YJ got his ass back on the dojo. And aha, all that crap about tough hockey training, erhem erhem, which is tougher manz? Ankle haven't fully recover, hurts when lifting, elbow as well. But who cares, Im gonna try and get back into my old form and if possible, before the upcoming national indiv in march. So much to catch up, so much to train. 2 years.
Keep Holding On thats what i keep telling myself
You're not alone
together we stand
i'll be by your side
you know i'll take your hand
when it gets cold
and it feels like the end
theres no place to go you know i wont give in
no i wont give in.
Im trying not to
Chorus :
Keep holding on
'cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
just stay strong
cause you know i'm here for you, i'm here for you
theres nothing you can say, nothing you can do
theres no other way when it comes to the truth
so keep holding on
cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through.
I dunno how long more i can convince myself
So far away i wish you were here
before it's too late this could all disappear
before the doors close, this comes to an end
but with you by my side i will fight and defend
i'll fight and defend yeah yeah.
I grew more and more uncertain
Chorus
I'm tired of initiating things, of crying
Hear me when i say, when i say
i believe nothing gonna change, nothing gonna change destiny
what ever is meant to be
will work out perfectly
yeah yeah yeah yeah
lalalalalalala...
Is this the real you or?
People don't understand me. So do I. Neither do I understand you.
IcyRoy took a breath on 3/03/2007 11:38:00 PM
Time passed kinda fast yar?
Its like 2 months ago when we just got our PAE result and I got posted to AJ, which I initially found no life in it, went through the orientation camp 1 and then joined track. Following that was the release of O lvl result and now we guys are awaiting for the JAE result which would be released next tues. I guess I had been pretty dao the first 3 months but nonetheless, still make lotsa new friends mainly in my class, OG and track j2 snrs plus j1 guys. And supposingly today is my last track dinner because Im trying to take external CCA and taking track with judo is prolly gonna kill me both physically and academically. But its not like I got no interest in track, track is cool, the pple in it are cool. They totally rawk my socks off - all the gossips, scandals, craps blah blah blah but seriously, to kang seng though he wouldnt ever read this, i guess track just isnt for me. Judo will be but I gotta get all my injuries off my head first. Show no weakness. Gonna miss trng with ya peeps.
Next mon wud prolly be my last lesson with 16/07 and seriously, i will MISS THE GUYS in 16/07 cause they are so FREAKING CRAPPY that they remind me of SJI, DOING INSANELY RETARDED THINGS [like playing with mouseballs (AJ still uses mouse with balls), Irwan's stupid sudden actions, Zhi Hao's momentarily burst of funny jokes, Canaan's also sudden stupid actions. These dudes make AJ life much more interesting. But nonetheless, 16/07 as a whole had been cool. Great funky form tutor, air-conditioned home class etc etc.
Parting is part of human's life so yar, to all those not staying in AJ or wad, Good luck.
I wouldn't mind stoning the whole day long as long as I have you in front of me, for me to look at.
IcyRoy took a breath on 3/02/2007 11:40:00 PM